For all you people who just love thunderstorms, I envy you. In my body, thunderstorms are the worst. Take all the worst things ever, put them together and wrap them up in shiny paper, and put a bow on it, and you have thunderstorms. If you’re like me, anticipating a thunderstorm is like preparing for the Apocalypse. You have your gear. You have your rituals. You have your safe spot (usually the dog is in your spot too because dogs know what’s about to go down and they don’t mess around).
Let’s go over exactly why thunderstorms are so dreadful awful.
The most obvious problem here is that the source of the problem is uncontrollable. I can’t control the sky. You can’t control the sky. Your creepy uncle who collects miniature ceramic horses can’t control the sky.
Thunderstorms are evil in their ability to be wherever they want, whenever they want.
First, the sky gets dark and ominous. When has anything good ever come from being dark and ominous? Let’s see….oh yes, nothing good has ever come from darkness and ominousness.
After the initial stage, when the storm has warmed up and stretched, the real fun begins.
The sky flashes with a bright, blinding light. I for one am only slightly happy about this because it gives me a warning. At the same time, I’m startled by the light – especially if the room I’m in is dark – and thrown off balance entirely. Something like this:
Then – the worst part – THUNDER. It’s loud. It’s sudden. It’s everywhere. It’s merciless. Thunder, like all sound, cannot be grabbed, pushed, or shooed away. It’s just there, in the air, being a jerk.
Regular people – those neurotypicals – just love a good thunderstorm. They love to love it, and they don’t understand why I don’t love it. They’re all like:
Those people suck. There, I said it. Meanwhile, I’m like:
As I type this, a thunderstorm is warming up itself in the sky. The lights are flickering. My left eye is twitching. But most importantly, it’s time to make some important decisions. It’s time to look at my choices.
Choice A: My musicians earplugs. I never use these because they are painful and ineffective. This shouldn’t even be a choice… I don’t know why I included it. *facepalm*
Choice B: Orange wax earplugs. Both effective and less painful. AND ORANGE!
Choice C: Noise-canceling headphones. A+ for comfort, but I’ll give them a C- for effectiveness. Thunderstorms are too much for these devices.
Choice D: aka, the best choice. These are my ZEMS. If I could, I would wear these babies everywhere.
The only way I’ve learned to fight thunderstorms is by wearing my ZEMS. God Bless my ZEMS. They are awkward as hell, but bless ‘em.
ZEMs are worn by people with large heads who work near loud machinery or airplanes. They are also worn by me, and I definitely don’t have a large head by any means. These ear devices look like headphones, only uglier. They take the sound that is coming towards my ears and say “NUH-UH SOUND. NOT TODAY,” and then sound is like, “oh, my bad.”
Above is a gentleman wearing his ZEMS. Nice job, mister. Way to go.
Choice E: My fingers. By shoving my pointer fingers into my ears, I can substantially decrease thunderstorm sound invasion. Further, my fingers make for good rapid-fire ear protection – perfect for those sudden moments of thunderstorm doom when there’s no time for making choices!
Choice F: Finally, we have choice F, meltdown/coma. F stands for failure, futile, freak-out, frenzy, and another f-word. When all else fails, my last choice is to just give into the thunderstorm and have myself a sensory meltdown. Choice F is not very effective, by the way.
So what’s a girl to do?
I often try to pretend to be a thunderstorm badass, but that can be hard to do considering badassery is probably the last characteristic I would pick to describe myself in any given situation. This is what I would look like if I was a thunderstorm badass:
…and this is what I look like because I’m not a thunderstorm badass:
Hiding under the thunderstorm protection blanket with my dog.
Speaking of awful noises from the sky, the 4th of July is coming up…like now. I should make a post about that because it’s Independence Day the worst day of the year.
Eating Off Plastic 
My Son had a similar fear. Manifested by Clamping his hands over his ears, screaming, writhing etc. Recently, his discomfort vanished, literally. No rhyme nor reason, it just happened. He actually embraced it. To me it was miraculous.
I wish you the very best of luck, and I extend my understanding.
Wow, that sounds awful. I’m glad your son is doing much better – it does indeed sound like a miracle! Thank you for your kind words. I’ve been lucky with thunderstorms so far this summer. Hopefully things will stay in my favor.
HA HA HA…
I like your Choices list a lot too:-)
I think what you describe with the neurotypical people might also be the extraordinary power some people have of lying to themselves or saying something different than what they feel and somehow convince everyone. I don’t really know how to describe it. But I’ve heard people say “I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS” and yet I still see their shoulders go up or their eyes go slightly squinty whenever there’s a big flash or boom. So what they say doesn’t match their physical reaction. That means they might be lying. The why is probably social pressure. Adults are not supposed to be scared of thunderstorms.
I like the low rumbly thunders and I like the taste and smell of thunderstorm rain. But the big loud ones are too much for me. I usually concentrate on comforting my cat during a storm, that comforts me as well.
I definitely agree with you. I know many people who claim to love thunderstorms yet often appear to be very afraid. I want to tell people it’s ok to openly express thunderstorm fear. I sure do! hehehehe
And I agree, animals can be of much comfort – either they are comforting you or you are comforting them. You should look into a thunderstorm protection blanket, like the one above in my post. My dog and I love it. 🙂
xo kelly
Have you ever seen and heard of the Thunder Buddy song from the movie “Ted?” (WARNING: There are curse words involved.)
I also really hate thunder. I can’t sleep when it happens.
I had never heard of it and I just watched it. That was pretty funny – I might have to make my own thunder song now….
Learning so much about Sensory Processing disorder… Everyday, I am learning to extend kindness, people go through so much! Glad to connect in your blog.
Just discovered your blog yesterday, many lol’s were had. My takeaways from this post:
1. Gratitude there’s something my spd DOESN’T overreact to. Sorry that thunderstorms trigger yours though.
2. My golden shepherd is my first thunder phobic dog. (however, a 10 minute hailstorm that sounds like a war movie to me is “meh” to him, go figure). I can give him every calming thing I have and he still runs through the house barking frantically during thunder. Is it possible that some dogs with phobias might have a form of spd? The noise, linoleum floor, kid on a bike or whatever that doesn’t upset most dogs, might be a totally different experience for a dog whose brain isn’t processing sensory input normally. There’s not always a specific scary event to trace it back to, especially with rescue dogs whose puppyhoods are unknown. Have you ever heard of anyone looking into this? Probably not, it’s unacknowledged so much in humans. Makes me wish I was less of an old fart, with plenty if time ahead of me for school , research etc. to see if it’s possible. My poor guy has never habituated to thunder no matter what.
PS. autocorrect is the devil
I think some dogs might just be more sensitive or nervous in their personality. My dog was just like this. He even hated coughing or sneezing. We found that the thunder shirt worked pretty well for him. You might want to give it a try…it’s probably similar to deep pressure in SPD’ers…humans, that is.
Sure thunderstorms are scary, but in a exhilarating exciting way! Idk i can’t really explain it. But no neurotypicals aren’t the only people that like thunderstorms. I can understand why you’d not like them though.
Great rreading