It’s a question that has plagued people for generations: do I suck on the dance floor? Chances are, if you’re asking yourself this, the answer will most likely be a resounding yes.
Luckily, I’ve spent the evening creating an easy-to-understand method of analysis for those whose dance skills are in jeopardy.
Step 1: Identify the Cause
What is the reason behind your need to dance?
A. I am Lord of the Dance; dance is the language of my body and my life. I AM dance.
B. I am battling inner demons, and using physical means, such as dance, to exorcise their presence from my soul.
C. I’m like, at this party, and everyone is dancing. So, like, me too. Yay me!
D. I feel super fat, so I’m dancing as a form of exercise so I can look like Kim Kardashian because I think she’s a GODDESS. I read that on a Buzzfeed comment one time while waiting for my mocha latte at Starbucks. Did you know her butt has it’s own fan club!
E. I have toddlers and I must entertain them or else they’ll destroy me.
F. I’m only dancing to embarrass my children.
Step 2: Select your letter option (A, B, C, D, E, or F), then continue accordingly
If you picked A:
A1: I have extensive training in dance. Like, full PRO.
✓ YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE DANCER. IN FACT, GET OFF THE DANCE FLOOR, YOU’RE MAKING EVERYONE LOOK BAD.
A2: I took dance classes as a kid and now I’m an extra-flexible adult with strong core muscles.
✓ YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE DANCER. YOU SET THE PACE ON THE DANCE FLOOR. STAY COOL.
A3: I am Lord of the Dance because I said so.
× YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER, BUT KEEP DANCING. WE ADMIRE YOUR SPIRIT AND ENTHUSIASM.
If you picked B:
B1: I have mental health issues and I’m losing my $%#@. Therefore, I dance.
× YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER, BUT YOUR SANITY IS ON THE LINE, SO DON’T STOP.
B2: I’m trying to cure my depression through fun activities, so I’m dancing.
× YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER, BUT YOU ARE NOT GIVING INTO DEPRESSION, SO YOU WIN.
B3: I am literally possessed by a demon who enjoys flailing my limbs around.
✓ DEPENDING ON THE SKILLS OF SAID DEMON, YOU MAY NOT BE A TERRIBLE DANCER.
If you picked C:
C1: I’m at a party/wedding/celebration and everyone is dancing. EVERYONE.
× YOU ARE PROBABLY A TERRIBLE DANCER, BUT NOBODY CARES BECAUSE THEY SUCK TOO. AND EVERYONE’S DRUNK.
C2: I’m a young person at a stupid teenage party/prom/Valentines’ dance and everyone is dancing. EVERYONE. SOME PEOPLE MAY BE DRUNK.
× THAT’S A LIE IF I EVER HEARD ONE! LOTS OF PEOPLE DON’T DANCE AT PROM. WHY ARE YOU EVEN THERE? GO HOME AND DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE LIKE BUILDING A SECRET SOCIETY OF TERRIBLE DANCERS. ALSO, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER.
If you picked D:
D1: I’m just doing this because this is what people on social media do when getting “hot and fit.” My latte is liquid heaven.
× YOUR MOCHA LATTE IS LOADED WITH SUGAR WHICH WILL CANCEL OUT ANY WEIGHT LOSS OR FITNESS POTENTIAL FROM DANCING. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER.
D2: I want to be Kim Kardashian.
× YOU ARE NOT KIM KARDASHIAN. BUT I’LL TELL YA, YOU ARE VERY LIKELY TO BE A TERRIBLE DANCER.
D3: I want to be Kim Kardashian’s butt. Just the butt; nothing more and nothing less.
✓ YOU ARE A SUPREMELY SKILLED DANCER.
If you picked E:
E1: I did some weird movement with my legs and my shoulders, and now my kids are laughing hysterically.
✓YOU ARE A LEGEND. YOU ARE AN OUTSTANDING DANCER, KNOWN ACROSS THE GLOBE FOR YOUR IMPROVISATION AND UNIQUE STYLE. YOU’VE GOT STAMINA AND MUSCLES; YOU ARE A TRUE DANCER.
E1: I was dancing and now my kids are trying to murder me.
× YOUR TODDLERS ARE NOT AMUSED WITH YOUR SKILLS; TANTRUMS GALORE. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DANCER. I’M SO SORRY. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
If you picked F:
F1: I am in a public place with my children and I feel the need to humiliate them through dance.
✓ NOT ONLY ARE YOU A GOOD PARENT, BUT YOU ARE A MIGHTY SUCCESSFUL DANCER.
There you have it! Are you a terrible dancer? Comment with your results below, there is no shame here, internet friends. And remember, just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance. Where would this world be without it’s
terrible wonderful variety of dancers?